I read a story on a New York Times blog about Chatroullette. It’s a social website that allows one user to be connected with another user via webcam, but the person you connect with is not up to you. It’s random, hence the “roulette” part. If you’re unimpressed with the person you see, you can just hit “Next” and another face will pop up.

Anyway, this New York Times writer logged onto Chatroulette with his wife and they watched a series of webcams, somehow avoiding all the good shit. They talked to a Russian guy who was in a dimly lit room; they saw some screaming college kids; they watched a bunch of half-naked men dancing around to Rick Astley and finally (as all New York Times writers must do do), they talked about wine during a webchat with a couple in Napa valley.

It’s sweet, isn’t it?

The answer to that question is no. Do you know why? Because Chatroulette was imagined and executed by a 17 year-old Russian kid named Andrey Ternovskiy, which means the site was created with some perverted shit in mind. I mean, not to hate on Russians, but look at their Prime Minister:

Case closed. And that pops up when you do a simple Google image search of “Putin” and “Horse.” I’d hate to see what happens when you replace “Horse” with “Young boy.”

Anyway, the New York Times blog piqued my curiosity about Chatroulette. So on a Saturday night I was at a friend’s house and we logged on. Because I’ve heard tales of people demanding to “show tits,” my friend Rob strapped on a pair of fake boobies just in case we needed some leverage.

It was pretty innocent to begin with. We connected with this bro and his guitar:

We got this really boring stoned dude:

But then we fell deeper into the Chatroulette vortex (which takes approximately 3 minutes), and a morbidly obese dude flashed onto the screen and he started stroking his micropenis:

The best part was when I was like, “Dude, you’re fat as fuck and that’s a tiny penis” and he kept stroking and said, “I know, I look at it every day!”

Then we came face to face with this girl who looked like a secretary. She had glasses and was wearing her pajamas. “Show your tits,” my friend blurted out. And when I say “my friend,” I mean “I.”

“You want to see my boobs?” she asked.

And then, without further prompt, she took off her shirt.

Boobs!

And then this happened:

And then she got naked and started sucking off her boyfriend who was sitting right next to her. I’m not going to show those pictures because this is a family site.

The verdict? Chatroulette is pretty radical. For every bored looking teen staring into the camera, you get a shot of some ghastly dude stroking his cheese penis. Any innocence the site once had has been obliterated by the thousands of cocks being wacked in front of webcams.

If you’re a sexual offender, you’re in luck, because Chatroulette is currently the closest you can get to children without going to prison.

My friend Rob’s verdict was, “This is better than the Constant Gardener.” Which is what we would have been watching had it not been for the fatfuck stroking his micropenis in front of us.

Soon, Chatroulette is going to get wiped off the internet because it shows humans at their rawest form. And, as we know from watching footage of people in the Midwest attending Tea Parties, humans at their rawest form are disgusting pieces of shit.

Comments

  1. Rob says:

    While I was a jackass wearing those prosthetic tits for over an hour I must point out that it was “better than the Constant Gardener” only because it was four of us friends having fun. It was just me alone by myself I wouldn’t have taken the time to doll myself up, nor would I have lasted an hour on the site. Although I am of course proud my new catch phrase: You ever fuck a tranny?

  2. You had quite a few poignant catch phrases. I was impressed.

  3. Mr. Knowcebo says:

    I’m kind of hoping Chatroulette goes away. It freaks me out me. This site is like 4chan meets videodrome. It gives you the vibe of “Oh, wow, so this is how modern industrial civilization comes to its ‘dead hooker in the dirty toilet stall’ conclusion.” I mean you really do need quotes within quotes to get your head around it.

    And what’s really weird is that you can randomly stumble upon yourself and have a being john malkovich moment. That happened to me a few months ago when I tried the site out. I got a screen catch and posted it on my blog:

    http://knowcebo.tumblr.com/post/377605101/in-a-being-john-malkovich-moment-i-stumbled

  4. melanie d. says:

    you should watch the stephen colbert segment on it. pretty damned funny. i’d find you the link, but i’m lazy.

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