Punched by an angry black man!

I just got punched in the face by a gigantic black man. What happened was I was getting dinner from Dos Coyotes. It’s Southwestern food, which is like Mexican food for white people. There’s a lot of sauce and everything is kind of drippy. Anyway, I left the

Rat tail!

When I was 12, life was much simpler.  People wore jean jackets and parachute pants; they dressed in bright colors and had mustaches that weren’t ironic. I didn’t know what the word “gay” meant. I thought Boy George was just really fancy. I liked to

Pissing cat

My cat pisses in the house at least 3 times a day. He might have a bladder infection, but I think he just does it because he’s a dick. He has a litter box, which he shits in, but he doesn’t use it for piss. Maybe he likes the tinkling sound it makes when his

Stupid band photos

As I and associate arts editors Edward Dunn, Josh Fernandez and Emily Page gather and sort and evaluate the musical material with which we hope you’ll tune up your life each week, wading through the mire of MySpace and the piles of press kits, it becomes increasingly

Vote Hutchins

“Today September 27, 2009, I replied by e-mail to a North Carolina Republican Party Chairman, who was so shaken up by the fact, THE GEORGE HUTCHINS 2010 CAMPAIGN dared to compare his Leader, Barack Hussein Obama, to Sanford and Son.” “IF this Cowardly

Happy Thanksgiving

I am grateful for many things, like my mother, my father, my sister, my other sister, my cat, my other cat, my neighbor who is old but doesn’t yell at me, the mailman who delivers the mail at 9 a.m., the show Tool Academy, and most importantly, David Hasselhoff. Too

Pickle fights back

This is messed up because I think the pickle in question actually responded to this. I was incredibly hungry driving down Folsom Boulevard and really wanted a turkey sandwich. Here’s the problem: Outside of Mr. Pickle’s was a gigantic pickle waving at passersby to go

5 shitty things about music

1. White rappers. Stop it. 2. Bland rock You are the missionary position of music. You don’t fool me with your messy hair and alterna-pants; if there’s a possibility that my grandma might enjoy your music, then you are bland. 3. Retarded black people Lil Wayne,
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