Words

[Stupid "Def" pun]

It was really tempting to make a pun in the headline with the word “Def” in it.Something like “Def-iling Your Mom’s Huge Ass” Deftones perfected the mustacheless goatee many years ago. Most Def-initely. HAHAHAHA. Sorry. or “Def People

Real news, real disappointment

Update: using a bit of investigative journalism I concluded that there are in fact 2 first place winners. I don’t understand how ties work because I am not a mathematician, but I do understand that the two journalists included in the tie must fight to the death in some

Rock the Bells, 2010

The 22,000 capacity Shoreline Amphitheater was packed with all kinds of people—bros with flip-flops, gang members with greasy hair, Caucasian babies, the dude from high school who I forget his name but was glad he didn’t see me because he used to rape me with his

Ghey phags

Here’s a dilemma I’ve given a lot of thought to lately: The word “gay.” It’s so useful and I love it. For instance, the word “dilemma” is fucking gay. But I find myself in a jam because I am friends with a lot of homosexuals. I am

Summer squeeze

(This story originally appeared in the Sacramento News & Review) In the summer of 1994, I was a nimble, 19-year-old boy full of porn and hormones—so what was I doing not getting laid? I sure as hell wasn’t waiting until marriage. So was I training to become a

Better than porn

On Facebook, one of my more muscular friends posted a workout regimen from a website called Muscle & Strength. I forget what the workout was, but on the site I noticed that users would post pictures of themselves doing various muscle poses. The poses would be like

Sorry

I’ve been doing other shit, man. Seriously. Who has time to update a goddamn blog all day long? Right now I’m in Philadelphia, sitting at a Starbucks, watching angry tan people walk around. Last week I was in Wyoming marveling at inbred children as they played

Tea bag on your face

I took our new dog to the Sacramento Tax Day Tea Party. We met some weird