Sure there’s world crisis going on: Fox news is staging a revolt against Barack Hussein Obama; people are actually listening to Pat Buchanan and Sarah Palin wrote a fucking book.
But let’s get to the news that affects us on a day-to-day basis:
IN MOSCOW, RUSSA A GODDAMN ICE SKATING BEAR KILLED A CIRCUS WORKER. AN ICE SKATING BEAR.
There are probably details to the story, which I’m sure would only make the story less interesting, so all you really need to know is that a bear, on ice skates, killed a circus worker.