LarsFor a long time, Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich lived above a San Francisco dance club called Popscene. According to locals, he’d go downstairs some nights just to hang out and mingle with the schmoes. So one time after work I went there with the sole intention of meeting the Danish drummer. I planned on striking up a conversation with him and then becoming his best friend. As I waited for Lars, I drank whiskey and tried to dance with all the goth kids. I couldn’t tell the guys from the girls, so I kind of just kept to myself by the bar. I couldn’t wait to meet Lars. But the drunker I got, the more my intentions changed. A couple hours into the night I became restless and decided that instead of a traditional greeting I’d give him a monumental titty twister — or purple nurple, if you will. It made sense, in a drunken comical sort of way. And Lars would totally get it.

About nine Jack and Cokes later I spotted him. He was wearing red leather pants, which seemed uncharacteristic for Lars, a seemingly humble fellow. But given Metallica’s aural shift from raw, gritty thrash (Garage Days) to MTV-ready, close-cropped metal (St. Anger), red leather pants didn’t seem all that outrageous.

As I approached him, Lars looked a bit fatter, shorter, and worse for the wear than I had expected. And he had this shitty “I’m rich” smirk on his face (like the one Hugh Hefner has sported since 1855, or whenever he was born). Before Lars could react, my thumb and forefinger latched onto his right nipple like pit-bull jaws on a newborn’s head. As I twisted his tiny nub, I realized that I was actually very angry, which was surprising. But, I mean, I was drunk, thinking, with their little hairdos and their MTV appearances … what the hell happened to Metallica?

Seriously. Popularity did not suit the band that once played some of the grimiest thrash in America. After all, there were incredibly popular metal bands like Lamb of God, whose albums, such as As the Palaces Burn, melded pounding, heavy drums with technical riffs that didn’t make metal fans cringe like Metallica’s cock rock Reload did. Despite the name change (from the totally badass Burn the Priest to the way less badass Lamb of God), the band, through a thin veil of popularity, still kept its impressive metal composure.

I think I was mostly pissed off at Lars because fans of heavy music knew there were so many other metal bands that were getting pushed aside by Metallica’s mainstream machine. In Flames, for instance (who would later go on to tour with Children of Bodom and Sepultura), who always just played what they did best: melodic death metal. Those guys have kept it simple, experimenting with delicate instrumentation, even becoming well known for their drastic change of sound. But In Flames wasn’t catering to anybody like Metallica seemed to be.

And it’s not like there’s a template for what good metal is. Take Savannah, Georgia’s Kylesa, who are probably one of the most successful experimental metal bands to date. At worst, average metal fans describe Kylesa as “interesting” because of their tendency to stray from classic metal into an atmospheric jam-band vibe. But not even they wear red leather pants.

The point is, during that time, in the early 2000s, I was sick of Metallica. And so were a lot of other metal fans. Which is probably why I was holding onto Lars’s nipple for dear life, twisting it like a radio dial that wasn’t getting reception.

“What the fuck … please!” Lars screamed. He might have been crying when I finally let go.

And then I felt a firm hand on my shoulder. And then another hand grabbed my neck. Within seconds, I could feel fists bouncing my head into other fists.

“Jesus Christ, it was just a joke,” I said, as I was dragged out to the alleyway by a bunch of women. Or men.

“What are you doing?” asked a bouncer as I lay on the ground clutching my belly.

“It was a joke between me and Lars,” I pleaded.

“If you’re talking about Metallica Lars, he’s on tour. And he doesn’t live here anymore. That wasn’t Lars. Idiot.”

I was left in the alleyway for dead, thinking, “I guess Lars wouldn’t get fat and wear red leather pants.”

If anything, this is an apology to the stranger who could seriously stunt-double for Metallica’s Lars Ulrich if they needed him to. For what it’s worth, I’ve learned a lesson. And I hope your nipple has healed nicely.

Comments

  1. tinyurl.com says:

    Fantastic goods from you, man. I have take note your stuff
    previous to and you are just too fantastic. I really like what you have bought right here, really like
    what you are stating and the way in which you say it.
    You’re making it enjoyable and you continue to
    take care of to keep it sensible. I cant wait to learn much more from you.
    That is actually a great site.

  2. Hello would you mind letting me know which webhost you’re using?
    I’ve loaded your blog in 3 different web browsers and I
    must say this blog loads a lot faster then most. Can you recommend
    a good internet hosting provider at a reasonable price?
    Thanks, I appreciate it!

  3. ps4 games says:

    These are actually great ideas in regarding blogging.
    You have touched some fastidious things here. Any way keep up wrinting.

  4. What’s up Dear, are you really visiting this site regularly, if
    so afterward you will definitely get nice knowledge.

  5. Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you
    knew of any widgets I could add to my blog that automatically tweet my newest twitter updates.
    I’ve been looking for a plug-in like this for quite some time and was hoping maybe you would have some
    experience with something like this. Please let me know if you run into anything.
    I truly enjoy reading your blog and I look forward to your new updates.

  6. This is a topic that’s near to my heart… Cheers!
    Where are your contact details though?

  7. Thanks for another wonderful post. The place else may
    just anyone get that kind of information in such a perfect manner of writing?
    I have a presentation subsequent week, and I’m at the look for such information.

  8. Great work! This is the kind of info that should be shared across the net.
    Disgrace on the seek engines for no longer positioning this put up higher!

    Come on over and discuss with my site . Thanks =)

  9. If some one desires to be updated with newest technologies after that he
    must be visit this web page and be up to date daily.

  10. ps4 games says:

    You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this matter to be actually something that I
    think I would never understand. It seems too complex and extremely broad for me.
    I’m looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang
    of it!

  11. ps4 games says:

    Hi, constantly i used to check blog posts here early in the break
    of day, for the reason that i enjoy to find out more and more.

  12. ps4 games says:

    That is a good tip particularly to those fresh to the blogosphere.
    Brief but very precise information… Thanks for sharing
    this one. A must read post!

  13. Hmm is anyone else having problems with the pictures on this blog loading?
    I’m trying to find out if its a problem on my end
    or if it’s the blog. Any feed-back would be greatly appreciated.

  14. Why viewers still make use of to read news papers when in this technological world all is available on net?

  15. of course like your web site but you have to check the spelling on quite a few of your posts.

    A number of them are rife with spelling issues and I
    to find it very troublesome to tell the truth nevertheless
    I will certainly come back again.

  16. ps4 games says:

    I’m really enjoying the design and layout of your website.

    It’s a very easy on the eyes which makes it much more
    pleasant for me to come here and visit more often. Did you hire out
    a developer to create your theme? Outstanding work!

  17. ps4 games says:

    My relatives all the time say that I am wasting my time here at web, but I know
    I am getting knowledge everyday by reading thes pleasant articles or reviews.

  18. ps4 games says:

    Hey! Would you mind if I share your blog with my twitter group?

    There’s a lot of people that I think would really enjoy your content.
    Please let me know. Thanks

Leave a Reply

Josh Fernandez © 2019
Web Design: Baap Media