I think the title is pretty self-explanatory. By the way, someone wrote to me and said that I use too many exclamation points. So that’s the first thing that is annoying:

1. People who tell me what to do – go punctuate your own website.

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2. Indie rock bands from Brooklyn If you add up all the indie bands from Brooklyn, the sum is actually greater than the entire population of Brooklyn. If you are in a trio from Brooklyn you have to have a bald guy, a guy with a beard and a guy who looks like a TV math professor. A quartet just adds a chick. A Brooklyn indie quintet can have a fat guy.

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3. Matt and Kim. These are simply the two most annoying people on the planet. And, yes, they are an indie duo from Brooklyn. It’s like if you took every horrible stereotype of white people and stuffed them into these two waifish idiots. That said, I’d like to have sex with them both. I say both because I’m not sure which one is which.

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4. White person saves a minority movies. In the Blind Side, Sandra Bullock saves a big, lumbering black dude from the ghetto. In one scene she goes to the projects to set a bunch of gang members straight and she doesn’t get raped. A win for Sandra Bullock equals a win for the entire white race. Go white race! Other such condescending films include: Dangerous Minds, Freedom Writers, Bring it On and Roots. Ok, maybe not Roots.

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5. Irresponsible babysitter movies. A huge angry black man who rapped about shoving AK47s up people’s asses is going to take care of a kid? What a hilarious Christmas treat! Jackie Chan as a government agent who gets stuck with babysitting a bunch of brats? Bring it on! What other unlikely candidate will have to take charge of a kid on the big screen? David “the Nightstalker” Ramirez? The BTK Killer? Oh Hollywood, you never cease to thrill me.

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Comments

  1. melanie d. says:

    i’m pretty sure there is at least one babysitting movie with the rock.

    i actually like really bad indie bands with overused keyboards and electronic clap parts.

  2. k,.thats not my webite but should be,..someones,.haha

    congrats on yer site..yer reads are superb!

  3. Thanks, Vinnie!

    Melanie. Your taste is whatever the opposite of impeccable is.

  4. lauren says:

    Thank you for #2 (and consequently, #3)!!!!!
    (note the wonder invoked by excessive exclamation points!!!!!

    I used to live in NYC and almost got into a fight every day I had to walk past Mercury Lounge to get home. I think every Brooklyn indie fucktard waif would be standing out in front, and I had to knock them over like bowling pins/toothpicks to get by.

    I have a lot more to say on that subject, but my language would get really crass, and I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble. (wink)

  5. Hanif says:

    I feel you on #4. You forgot the included Finding Forester, by the way. But, to be fair, black people saving black people movies are usually pretty annoying too. Take Coach Carter, for example, The Great Debaters, or Antwon Fisher. The plot usually involve an upright older black guy saving a group of unruly but essentially good natured black kids. The upright black guy usually has an army hair cut and a suit, and is preternaturally geared up for unstructured heart to hearts. And the black kids always have potential.

    It occurs to me that I would probably be cast as the upright black guy in one of these movies.

  6. melanie d. says:

    josh, if that were true i’d have friends who wear low v cut t shirts. wait!

  7. JK says:

    Kindergarten Cop!!

  8. JK says:

    #4- There was also “Sunset Park,” where Rhea Perlman coached an inner-city basketball team.

  9. Mother Oakley says:

    Go Josh! How inspiring this post is! Now I am thinking about the 5 things that annoy me most. I like yours very much, but, since indie bands have absolutely no place whatsoever in my life, I will substitute for your #2 this: “Movies in which children abuse one another wretchedly verbally and/or physically while adults ignore or tolerate them.” N-i-c-e. Way to ensure a better, brighter Lord of the Flies future for all of us.

  10. Yeah, Finding Forrester and Sunset Park. There are so many.

    Do you see all the racial dialog this blog is stimulating?

    Hanif, you have already been cast (by our immaculate god) as the upright black guy in the production called life.

  11. Katina says:

    Aw, I got spanked on your Web site… I’m touched! And moved to extra exclamation points!!!
    ;)

  12. Ha! Did you like your photographic representation?

  13. KelMunger says:

    The list of “white people save black people” movies go back at least as far as the “magic black person” movies. Both would deserve spots on my most annoying list. The “magic black person” movie has repressed, depressed white people who only need to be exposed to the magic black person in order to find their true emotional selves. Think “Corinna, Corinna” (black maid Whoopi Goldberg saves white widowed dad Ray Liotta) or “The Legend of Bagger Vance.” The fetishization of black people on screen (and I don’t use fetish in a good way here) is just awful.

  14. That’s a good point, Kel. I forgot about the “magic black person” movies. Are other countries as weird about fetishizing people as we are?

  15. lauren says:

    How about in horror movies when there’s the black man that knows everything about zombie attacks and how to survive them? Does that count in the “magic black person” category? (Think ‘Night of the Living Dead’ etc…)

  16. nick says:

    matt & kim are super nice.

  17. If they were nice they would stop making music.

  18. Katina says:

    Not thrilled with the photographic representation. Feeling lucky my spanking was so gentle overall, however. Also regretting my choice of “spanking” because now it just sounds weird.

  19. drew says:

    yeah- the icecube thing keeps me up at night. I wonder if people see Are We There Yet, like it, hear he’s a rapper, then check out say, Death Certificate or Amerikkka’s Most. I would like to be there for that.

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