I am grateful for many things, like my mother, my father, my sister, my other sister, my cat, my other cat, my neighbor who is old but doesn’t yell at me, the mailman who delivers the mail at 9 a.m., the show Tool Academy, and most importantly, David Hasselhoff. Too bad David Hasselhoff is only grateful for talking cheeseburgers.

Don't talk to me that way. I'm goddamn David Hasselhoff and you're just a sandwich..

Don't talk to me that way. I'm goddamn David Hasselhoff and you're just a tasty sandwich.

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