First, lessons in language need more slutty Asian chicks with graffiti on them, so here:


I’ve been obsessed with quotation marks lately. As I’ve already noted here on this website, people use quotes to degrade me when they write letters of hatred by calling me a “journalist” or a “writer.”

It’s their little trick. It doesn’t really work because I get paychecks from news organizations, which makes me a journalist. Sometimes my stories are offensive and awfully written. But that just makes me feel even more like a journalist and even happier that I got paid for the horrible piece of shit I turned in.

Anyway, quote marks can be used for other things. My favorite is when I use them to make innocent things sound dirty, like this:

The man buttered his toast.

Harmless, right? But now look at this:

The man “buttered” his “toast.”

Haha! Sicko!

She’s a good teacher because she really knows what to do in a classroom.

There’s nothing fishy about a good teacher.

She’s a good teacher because she really knows what to “do” in a classroom.

What a sick fucking whore!

But this little trick doesn’t work in the opposite way. I mean, you can’t put quotations on a word to make the sentence sound less dirty.

I like when men fuck me in the ass.

That’s a pretty bold statement.

I like when men fuck me in the “ass.”

Oh my god! Way more edgy! See? It still sounds gay, plus it’s even more sinister, as if instead of “ass” you also mean “mouth” and “ear” holes, and whatever other hole you can get fucked in.

OK, class is dismissed. You can go “do” whatever it is you “do” now.


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    After reading that I’m “plugging in” my toaster.

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