January 24, 1918–December 15, 2009
Google tells me that Pentecostal evangelist Oral Roberts died Tuesday from complications of pneumonia. I’m no doctor, but I think he just died because he was 91 YEARS OLD.
Roberts spent most of his time on Earth siphoning money from stupid people and damning other people to hell.
Upon hearing about Roberts’ death, his friend Rev. Billy Gram said “Oral Roberts was a man of God, and a great friend in ministry,” which was nice, but kind of like getting a quote about self-awareness from Kanye West.
Oral Roberts was a miracle worker, meaning that he hated homosexuals.
Roberts was known for his keen business sense and his ability to construct sentences that caused his followers to empty their pockets. But he was also an innovator when it came to sexual positions:
“Look at the orifices of the body, the openings of the body. Certainly you can’t put the male organ, or the woman’s tongue in the eye. … Certainly not in the orifices of the nose, or the navel.”
He winked after he said that.
Oral Roberts is survived by his daughter, Anal; his son, Assfuck, and his favorite grandchild, Dirty Sanchez.
He will be missed.