Pretend you are the republican state senator Roy Ashburn.
You are a happily married father of four precious little loin fruits of Jesus. As Mr. Ashburn, you go to church and follow the strict rules of the bible, except for the part that says “Test all things and hold fast to that which is good” because that’s fucking gayyyy.
In the halls of the state capitol, in Sacramento, you make jokes behind the governor’s back, calling him “light in his loafers” because of that funny accent and his days as a musclebound weed smoker. The other republican senators give you high-fives.
Okay, stop pretending you are State Senator Roy Ashburn. It’s too confusing for me to write that way.
Anyway, last year, Sen. Ashburn voted against a resolution declaring Prop. 8 unconstitutional; he voted three times to oppose the creation of Harvey Milk day. And then he opposed an expansion of California’s insurance laws to include sexual orientation as a protected class.
To call Senator Roy Ashburn “anti-gay” is pretty accurate.
So what does an anti-gay, republican senator do to unwind? A game of Pin the Economic Crisis on the Beaner? Scour the Internet for nude pics of Michelle Malakin? Bible study with the family?
No way! Something much more homosexual–call it the new wave of conservatism. Sen. Ashburn took a (strangely sticky) page right out of the U.S. senator Larry Craig playbook, which ends up looking a lot like this:
On Wednesday, March 3, sen. Ashburn was pulled over by police after he left Faces nightclub in Sacramento’s Lavender Heights district. If that doesn’t give you a clue, here’s an ad for Faces:
Turns out, the senator was wasted. And there was another male in his car who only identified himself as another “lawmaker.” Maybe it was this guy:
I realize now that the only thing stopping male republican senators from marrying other male republican senators is their own legislation. And their wives, but that’s secondary.
Here’s Sen. Ashburn’s empty statement, which is pretty much a standard statement for republican senators who make big, gay mistakes:
“I am deeply sorry for my actions and offer no excuse for my poor judgment. I accept complete responsibility for my conduct and am prepared to accept the consequences for what I did.
I am also truly sorry for the impact this incident will have on those who support and trust me – my family, my constituents, my friends, and my colleagues in the Senate.”
Maybe being a “Family Values Republican” should just include fucking dudes in the ass.
Ah shit, screw it, pretend you’re Senator Ashburn again. Now look in the mirror and make a sex face. Yeah. Now lift up your shirt. That’s right. Do it. Yup, look at that nipple. It’s hot. Now rub that nipple and think of Antonio Banderas.
Yeah, that’s about right.