Update: using a bit of investigative journalism I concluded that there are in fact 2 first place winners. I don’t understand how ties work because I am not a mathematician, but I do understand that the two journalists included in the tie must fight to the death in some sort of electrified cage. In that case, I concede.


It’s come to my attention that I’ve won 2nd place in Sacramento News & Review’s annual Best of Sacramento Reader’s Choice awards.

First I’d like to say, hey, fuck you, readers. Would it have been so hard to propel me to the first place position? I mean, come on, Sacramento’s not that big of a city. How many people voted? 5? 6? I bet you I was an infant’s vote away from taking home the big one.

So, who, you ask, won the first place prize?

None other than the SN&R’s Cosmo Garvin.

Garvin’s a great dude and all, but, come on. The guy could benefit from a fact check or two. I mean, Garvin’s a 23-year-old Guatemalan kid who drives a Firebird to work. What does that tell you about his journalism talent?

Hm, that might be the wrong Cosmo Garvin. But, that’s not the point. The point is, well, there are two points.

The first point is “fuck you, readers,” which we already established.

And the second point is, how do you expect me to brag about how talented I am if I get second place in everything?

What else comes in second place in everything?


Breaking news: China is stewing in its own pollution and everyone will be dead there soon.

Look, all I’m saying is that I don’t want to be the Serena to Cosmo Garvin’s Venus Williams.

Really?! He looks like a business-casual-Elvis wiping mustard off his chin!

So, why second? Is it that I only update my website once every five months? Fuck you!

Is it that I only write about things that are gay and/or the band Slayer? Fuck you!

I think that’s it.

By the way, if you were wondering, this is what a real journalist looks like (which is kind of like a sexy pterodactyl):

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