I’ve been thinking a little bit about beards. No, I’ve been thinking a lot about beards.
The other day I drove past a hipster with a long beard. He couldn’t have been more than 23, but the combination of his overweight-ness, cutoff jeans, tuxedo print t-shirt and that longass beard gave him the appearance that he really didn’t give a fuck. Like he woke up in the morning, took a big shit in his pajamas and then went to the kitchen to have sex with his grandfather. That’s stupid. I don’t know what that means, but I’m just trying to say he looked like he didn’t give a fuck at all.
I can relate to wanting the appearance of not giving a fuck; I’ve tried at different points throughout my life to look like I didn’t care about shit, but it’s always been derailed by the fact that I actually give many, many fucks. Too many fucks. It shows. For instance, whenever I try to grow a beard, I always stop somewhere in between the long five o’ clock shadow and the full beard, so I end up looking like George Clooney when he plays a dad.
By the way, it’s funny how Wikipedia describes beards:
A beard is the collection of hair that grows on the chin, upper lip, cheeks and neck of human beings.
That doesn’t say anything about not giving a fuck. My cat has a beard, too. So fuck that. The Wikipedia entry mostly concludes that beards are considered wise, as people like philosopher Friedrich Engels and author Charles Dickens were bearded.
This writer has a beard, too:
I asked Christian Kiefer, the famous author of The Infinite Tides (and a wise man), about his beard:
Does your wife enjoy your beard. I mean, sexually? Not, like, does she have sex with your beard, but does she find it attractive?
I asked Kiefer this question because I was always too scared to have a beard in fear that girls would find me hideous and not want to have sex with me. But Kiefer has something like 18 or 19 children running around a farm somewhere, so he’s definitely had a lot of sexual intercourse.
He answered my question this way:
She seems to but then again she also complains about it the rest of the time.
So, really, not much help. From what I gather, though, women seem to like beards from afar, because they make the man appear wise and masculine, but when it comes down to the tactile sensation of a beard rubbing against skin, it’s disgusting.
But women are good at putting up with disgusting shit. After all, my wife dealt with this for quite some time without divorcing me:
Most of the time, I just half-ass a beard because I’m too lazy to shave. And then I look like Brian Austin Green, the hip-hoppin whiteboy who played David Silver on Beverly Hills 90210:
There are also gay beards:
And white guy who takes really good care of his Acura beards:
And animal beards:
And dead terrorist beards:
And the modern black man beard:
I don’t know. I think I’m just going to stick with my peach fuzz mustache and call it a day: