Hi, I live in Sacramento where we have  been voted as one of the fugliest cities in the U.S. You see, we’re always topping some list of poverty or disgustingness. Guy Fieri is from here. His restaurant, Tex Wasabi’s, is a combination of sushi and barbeque food (you, know, for bros who want a culturally enlightening meal, but without all that gay ass raw fish, breh breh).

Don’t worry, Guy Fieri is not trying to poke you–this is just how he invites you to a fuckin’ Tesla concert, brah!

You might think that it sucks living here, but you’re an asshole. By the way, when I worked at newspapers, the editor would always say, “Josh, you can’t call the reader an asshole. That’s not what we’re trying to accomplish here.” But this, dear reader, is a blog. And you are a huge, gaping asshole.

Not only that, you’re a sorely mistaken asshole, because we have one great thing here in Sacramento:

Gangster rap.

Most of our city is too busy pretending to be wine critics and media moguls to care about our only viable natural resource, which is, of course, street gangs.

We have tons of them: Nortenos, Bloods, skinheads and one of my favorites–Crips.

Brotha Lynch Hung is a Crip. And so is Smigg Dirtee. (I just hyper-linked to my own website, you asshole!)

 

One thing I noticed about a lot of Sacramento gangster rap videos is that many of them are filmed in Florin Meadows apartment complex.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to go to Florin Meadows to do hard feet-to-the-pavement reporting because 1) this is a blog and 2) because I don’t want to be stabbed to death by a 12-year-old.

However, I do find great comfort in looking up Florin Meadows on the internet from the safety of my own home.

I actually found a lot of reviews on the complex. The first of which, clued me in to the fact that I’d found something magical.

This review is pretty negative, but it’s nice to know that amidst “hella cats,” crazyass kids and roaches “that don’t even go away,” the Zambrano sisters and their brother Scarface are in the midst of Florin Meadows, keeping shit pleasant:

 

Ok i used to live in these apartments a long time ago and they were not that bad but now that i go and visit its hella ghetto!!kids be running around the parking lot and there parents dont even care. The kids also pee on the playground. there roaches inside the apartments and they dont even go away. Theres hella cats in those apartments that have rabies. The people that live there are hella nousy they dont mind there own buisness. The gang people also knowned as the G vgs are always throwing parties and killing people in those apartments. The gates never work cars always get jacked etc i dont recomend these apartments to families with kids bcuz of the bad influece. oh and theres always asian old ladies digging in the garbage. The only cool ppl from the apartments are these two girls i meet Maribel and Selena Zambrano sisters of brian zambrano aka scarface.

 

Throwing parties and killing people! But that’s what life is all about.

Yeah, it’s not looking too good at Florin Meadows. Here, in this next review, we go deeper into the core of the complex’s problems: Gangs. Here’s an interesting fact: garden crips are much like garden snakes in that they both  call each other ‘Cuz’ and will shoot you with a semi-automatic weapon if you wear a red bandana in their neighborhood:

 

theses apartments are so dam ghetto…ice cream men get robbed, lots of garden crips and xiv ——– in this area…police called to this apartments all the time…rock throwing at the lightrails,trains…gang related tagging from 29st crips to the xiv vgs…not recommended to family with children…lots of gang influence

Here’s another perplexed would-be tenant:

If youre even thinking about coming to Florin Meadows you must be KraZy because these are one of the most Dangerous places in Sacramento It Has lots of kids running around at night with security scared to walk around so they got security that comes in car but they never do anything and in the back theres a dark alley and no one knows what might happen there and there a hole in the gate of u haul and theres many condoms so you know what that means SEX Many people Fu#k behind those gates they fu#k so much that they have a bed

 

So, I don’t know. Sacramento is not the coolest city in the world. We don’t have a shitload of gay people to make the streets sparkle with glamor. We don’t have a big sports team that people are proud of. In fact, I don’t even think the Sacramento Kings go to practice anymore. Many of the players just stand in front of Home Depot to pick up some extra cash. Some of them probably live in Florin Meadows.

Anyway, Sacramento might be unfashionable. Uncool. Ugly, even.

However, what we lack in urban hipster sophistication, we make up for in shitloads of deadly gangs that will kill your entire family and rape your house pets if you so much as look at one of them funny.

Namaste.

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