I hate writing this post because I love Bernie Sanders. I love his proposed policies that avoid unnecessary wars, his plan to educate the living shit out of America, his promise to fuck Wall Street in the ass (in a bad way) and I love how his eyes get all wacky and his white hair flips up in the wind when he’s giving his passionate speeches.
But he lost the democratic nomination. I mean, he’s still campaigning and asking me for money, but that’s just what Bernie does. He doesn’t stop. If you tell Bernie to stop he flips you the bird, straightens out the collar on his blue button up shirt and then he goes even fucking harder! That’s why we love Bernie Sanders, but it’s also kind of annoying. Which, again, is why we love Bernie. It’s pretty complex.
Anyway, I didn’t want to write this post after his rally in Sacramento because I was still high from the message of the candidate himself. We know that, much like Nas or Rakim, Bernie is a straight up G from the streets of New York.
But, from what I witnessed from doing some serious people watching at his Sacramento rally, here’s why he lost the nomination:
There were fucking juggalos at the Bernie Sanders rally. It wasn’t just like one or two juggalos. There were shitloads of them. Here’s the thing: Any time you have juggalos on your team, you’re gonna lose. I don’t care if it’s baseball, trivia night, Pictionary, etc. … if Twizted Insane Steve shows up to support, you’re fucking going down.
There were shitloads of kids at the Bernie Sanders rally. I love kids. You love kids. I even have a kid of my own. They’re our fucking future or whatever. But those little fucks can’t vote. Sorry.
3. Conspiracy theorists.
There were several people in the crowd wearing anti-illuminati clothing. One guy kept shouting, “FUCK THE ILLUMINATI!” after each statement Bernie would make. I’m sure there’s some cross-polination between juggalos and conspiracy theorists, but the more of those fuckers you have in a room 1) the smellier that room is going to be, 2) the more annoying that room is going to be, 3) the louder that room is going to be 4) THAT ROOM WAS BOUGHT AND PAID FOR BY THE ROTHSCHILDS, BRO.
4. Bernie Bros.
I hate that term. When I first heard the term Bernie Bro, I wanted to punch the person that said it in the fucking face. Which, in hindsight, makes me a Bernie Bro. However, at the rally, when Bernie mentioned one of Hillary’s shitty policies, a tall, shirtless man yelled, “FUCK THAT BITCH!” That’s some classic Bernie bro type shit.
5. Really old hippies.
Really old hippies are like kids. Everyone loves them. But, like kids, they’re easy to dismiss. Their heads are still crackling with traces of LSD and memories from touring with The Dead and they’re always cranky about everything. There was a lady in front of me reading a biography about Bernie getting all pissed off at a dancing juggalo and then she was getting mad at the bands playing and then she started cursing at the fucking sun. Of course, nobody paid any attention to her and she probably went home that night to her hut dug in the side of a hill and forgot to vote yesterday.
I don’t know. I think you can tell a lot about candidates by their fans. Hillary rallies are full of rich white ladies and dudes wearing mom jeans and mandals. Donald Trump rallies are packed with men who are more proud of their trucks than they are of their children and women with splotchy faces and bible quotes tattooed above their ass cracks.
We’re fucked. But not really. The world will spin. Our president will fuck up and we will be outraged. The world will spin some more. And then we’ll all be dead.
I still love Bernie. I just don’t know who I’m voting for now, but I do know that this election year is funny as hell. And I know this makes me a horrible person and a nihilist and probably a total shitbag, but there’s a small part of me that is truly curious to see what a Donald Trump presidency might look like.
USA! I luv u BBs.