Vow of silence

I’m going to shut the fuck up for a while. Seriously. I feel like I’ve been running my mouth too much, talking shit about everything I hate: Websites, musicians, people … While that’s fun, I’m just about done with this book and it’s

Finally #1 at something

The guy who designed this website is mentally unstable and, perhaps, murderous, if given the chance. And a knife. If I do something wrong to the site,  which I do almost every day, he’ll send me an email. Actually, it’s more like a ransom note. Like this: Or

June’s memorial

June looked up into the sky and studied it for a while. It was thick with marbled clouds that looked like granite. It was going to rain, which was uncharacteristic for a Sacramento summer. She started to speak and then paused. “This weather is …”. She stopped

A case of the Thursdays

I’m sitting in the coffee shop watching a cougar picking her nose. She’s on a mission. Now she’s eating a muffin. Anyway, my novel’s almost done. Here’s a sentence: John Holmes stood on the bed, dangling his penis back and forth between the two

Endorsed by Kevin Secondss

Josh Fernandez…hehehehe….Josh Fernandez…hohohoo…Josh fucking Fernandez…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! oh jesus…..i witnessed your “spoken word” gig at the Space awhile back, dude. you’re in NO position to critique ANYBODY

Hey snake guy:

Can we please stop trapping snakes and other various reptiles, poisonous and non, and trying to make them our pets? I was perfectly happy to write about the Star Trek/sci-fi convention, but was so creeped out by the reptile show that I’m taking this space to beg you. If

SPIN 30 biggest concerts

One of SPIN magazine’s 30 biggest concerts of 2009 was the Mayhem Festival, which I wrote about. So if you click here your penis will grow like 5 inches. If you’re a girl, I suggest you don’t click on the


I was working as a dish washer in the Department of Corrections building. My boss was a horrible alcoholic. But the good part was that I was also a horrible alcoholic. So every morning he would bring two 24 packs of Budweiser to work and we’d start drinking them at 6
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